Jokes

Heard a good joke. Leave it here.
Post Reply
User avatar
waltadmin
Site Admin
Posts: 14
Joined: 11 Dec 2017, 15:17

Jokes

Post by waltadmin » 18 Dec 2017, 20:58

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

User avatar
waltadmin
Site Admin
Posts: 14
Joined: 11 Dec 2017, 15:17

Re: Jokes

Post by waltadmin » 18 Dec 2017, 20:58

Good News and Bad News
A woman is terribly injured in a car wreck. Her husband races to the hospital and waits for her to come out of surgery. He has sat in the waiting room for three hours when the surgeon enters the room.

The husband jumps from his seat and says, Is she going to make it Doc?"

"I've got good news and bad news.", replies the Doctor.

"Well you better give me the bad news first", says the man.

"All right", the Doctor continues. "She has lost both of her arms and both legs. She will have to be fed through a tube and probably never come out of the coma."

"My God!", says the man in a hushed voice. With hope rising in his breast he says, "But you said there was good news Doc. What is it?"

The Doctor replies, "Just kidding, she's dead."

User avatar
waltadmin
Site Admin
Posts: 14
Joined: 11 Dec 2017, 15:17

Re: Jokes

Post by waltadmin » 18 Dec 2017, 20:59

This morning on the way to work I rear-ended a car at some lights.
I was not really paying attention. Anyway, the fella who was driving got out.
And he was a dwarf!
He said "I'm not happy!
I said "Well which one are you then "

User avatar
waltadmin
Site Admin
Posts: 14
Joined: 11 Dec 2017, 15:17

Re: Jokes

Post by waltadmin » 18 Dec 2017, 21:01

There were a few mothers attending a small seminar with a psychiatrist who claimed to know what their obsessions were judging by the names they gave their children. He asked the first mother what he named her daughter and she said "Penny". So the doctor tells her she's obviously obsessed with money.

He moves along to the next mother who says she named her daughter "Brandy". So the doctor says she must be obsessed with alcohol.

Suddenly, a mother grabs her son by the arm and gets up, saying "C'mon Dick, let's go."

User avatar
waltadmin
Site Admin
Posts: 14
Joined: 11 Dec 2017, 15:17

Re: Jokes

Post by waltadmin » 18 Dec 2017, 21:02

Towards the end of the golf course, Larry hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.

Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden ... POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life.

"Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. ... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!!!"

Then POOF! .. she was gone!

After Larry recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Henry, where are you?"

Henry yells back "I'm over here in the pussy willows."

Larry shouts back, "DON'T SWING, HENRY; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!"

User avatar
waltadmin
Site Admin
Posts: 14
Joined: 11 Dec 2017, 15:17

Re: Jokes

Post by waltadmin » 18 Dec 2017, 21:03

Moses, Jesus and a very old man were out golfing one fine day.

Moses drives his ball and it bounced off a tree into a water hazard. So he parted the water and knocked the ball onto the green.

Jesus drives his ball and it bounced off two trees into the water. So he walked on the water and scooped his ball onto the green.

The very old man drives his ball and it bounced off a tree into the water, the ball was eaten by a fish, the fish swam to the surface and was snatched up by a bird, the bird flew upward and was struck by lightning, the fish fell from the sky onto the green, the ball bounced out of the fishes mouth, and the ball rolled into the hole.

Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate golfing with your Dad."

User avatar
waltadmin
Site Admin
Posts: 14
Joined: 11 Dec 2017, 15:17

Re: Jokes

Post by waltadmin » 18 Dec 2017, 21:04

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy!

I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law!

I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now. That’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

User avatar
waltadmin
Site Admin
Posts: 14
Joined: 11 Dec 2017, 15:17

Re: Jokes

Post by waltadmin » 18 Dec 2017, 21:06

Four men went to play golf one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started talking and bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free."

The second man said, "My son is a car salesman, and now owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded.

The third man , not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker, and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio."

The fourth man joined them at the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We are just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"

The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and a go-go dancer at a gay bar." The other three men grew silent as he continued, "I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, and brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio."

User avatar
waltadmin
Site Admin
Posts: 14
Joined: 11 Dec 2017, 15:17

Re: Jokes

Post by waltadmin » 30 Dec 2017, 21:43

I was working out at the gym when I spotted a sweet young thing walking in...
I asked the trainer standing next to me, "What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?"

The trainer looked me over and said; "I would recommend the ATM in the lobby."

Post Reply